Today...

So someone calls up to talk to me about my son riding on the short bus (his idea, not mine).  I was able to be all bright and nice on the phone.  All this while my mood is actually about a 3-4 on the if 1 is suicidally depressed & 10 is the happiest you've ever felt scale.  I started the day fine but started heading down for no reason I could discern.  Then I ran across pictures of my 50th birthday party.  The one I would NOT have wanted if I'd realized my husband was only doing it because he HAD to.  Which he followed up by leaving me two weeks to the day after.   I understand why he did it now.  But his timing sucked big green donkey... genitalia.

I Should Post More Here..

I really should post more here.  It's been a really bad year.  My pain levels have rocketed to the worst they've ever been, my other health problems have bit like a demon dog, my depression has been a suicidal level, my daughter had to be hospitalized over the summer (which should let you know what I was dealing with with her) and, unknown to me, my marriage was falling apart.  I just wish I'd known about the latter.  The thing is that I kept asking him if something was wrong and he wouldn't answer because he fricking didn't want to hurt me.  And so he ended up hurting me more than anyone else by leaving me with no warning at all.  And now he's deep in another relationship so there is no way to repair our marital relationship.  All I can do is be friends with them both.  I can do that.

Here I am, fifty years old.  Disabled.  Bipolar depressive (and right now heading down).  With two special needs kids (one 18 and out of the house, I'd have done that sooner if I'd been smarter, and a 16 year old).  I have people going "Oh you'll find someone else".  I didn't ever plan on this last relationship.  I certainly didn't plan to ever get married again.  This is the third marriage I've fucked up.  And people wonder why I don't think I can do this again.

If I had one of my bipolar shirts I think I'd wear it tonight.

Potassium

3.1 Not good.  The question is, was it really just that med I was taking?  And how the flip do I tell if it's back to normal?  I mean, that chest pain is still there.  And where is all that flipping bruising coming from?  As much as I really really really don't want to be stuck in a hospital, I'd dearly love to be in one where they would just play with my blood & stuff until they figure out what the frip is wrong with me.  I am so sick & tired of being sick & tired.  It bites.  Big time.

On top of that I have hot & cold running mid-life crisis old man.  Three months after walking out the door he's living with her.  Now admittedly he's had a stroke.  I did say that I was glad he had somewhere he would be monitored 24/7 but I didn't mean fricking move in with her on a permanent basis.  And I don't care if he doesn't like it, he's not getting out of going to therapy.  It has nothing to do with getting back together.  It has to do with a) helping me b) him learning how to fricking communicate since THAT is why he fricking left in the first place c) helping me d) helping my children.

But I'm tried of hot & cold running man.  I guess that's really reason c.  He's conflicted & he feels guilty.  he should feel guilty.  He left a suicidally depressed woman abruptly with no good support base.  He never EVER did anything to try to FIX the situation at ANY time even though I asked.  I tried asking for help but he never got it.  He never heard it.  I know that I did things wrong.  I hold 50% of the blame.  But otoh I DID ask what was wrong.  I DID ask for him to go with me to therapy and was brutally rebuffed.

NOT FAIR.

So, how long has my potassium been low?  I need to look at my medical papers.  Which is difficult since a certain young lady sucks at cleaning her room, rather like my mother & late brother & aunts at the same age.  David & I were both neatniks.  What other vitamin/mineral deficiencies could I have?  And if I do, and they've made a problem you know what the first thing I'll hear out of him??  "Well I TOLD you you weren't eating right."  I need a tissue.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I went & got my mammogram... and of course, my appointment was after Dale walked out on me.  Wheee!  Still nothing thank goodness, which was a relief.  I said something to him about the fact that I was extremely likely to have to deal with it and he was all like WTF?? He's lucky I didn't smack him into the next century.  I pointed out that my great-grandmother died from it, my grandmother had a radical mastectomy (lived ~25 years after) & my mother had a lumpectomy.  He said, "I didn't know that."  WTF?!?!  I only said that about a gazillion times!!!  When a sister-in-law had breast cancer and decided to have a mastectomy on both sided even though only one side was involved, she did it because of genetic markers.  She tested because of a family history.  MF!!  I mentioned it THEN!!  SEVERAL times!!  I mentioned it BEFORE that... MORE THAN ONCE!!

Can I kill him now?  ::sigh::  No.  I still love him & I still hope he'll come to his senses.  ::sigh::

"Don't forget that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month!!

But we keep up our Breast Cancer area in our shop all year around.

Mom has a history of post-menopausal breast cancer in her family."

Thanks Dear!!

Monday my ... I don't know what to call him anymore... told me that he still really didn't have the words to tell but  all of his friends had been able to tell that he'd been unhappy and he hasn't loved for two to three months so we were separating.  WTF???  So now, on TOP of all the frelling pain & depression I've been having for months I get to have more.  I am hereby changing my name to Dancing with Knives.  It's just a damn good thing for the sanity of my family that I promised my bff Lucy that I'd never kill myself because she doesn't have a damn thing to wear to my funeral (plus now she lives in Texas so there's that whole airfare issue & my dad already having lost a son would be horrible wounded even though technically I'll just a stepdaughter & I have kids yada yada yada).  This sucks.  Especially since I have enough opioids.

Not Happy,
Me

Where's My Houseboy/Masseuse/Driver/Etcetera??

Seriously, I need that... and a ramp on the front porch... maybe even a bigger porch.  And while we're at it, why don't we have a thingamabob on the back of my van so I can actually use the electric scooter I have?  So long as we're dreaming... bigger master closet, bathroom (I want a tub I can actually fit my entire body into), a linen closet, a front bathroom that actually has green board instead of whatever it is that is messed up from water (and has mold... ick!)... and... and... and... oh yeah, and the gutters too.  Trust me, if I could work, I would work!!  Geez Louise!!  In other news, one of my best friends just lost her mother and I need to scrape up enough spoons to make at least the visitation.  She'll understand if I don't, she has spoon problems herself, but damn, I am SO tired of not having enough spoons to do the things I need to do, much less the things I want to do.

Which explains the cat telling me to get my bu... fingers off of the laptop.  heh.

blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah

In other words, it's my daughter's 18th birthday.  She's stunning but I wasn't able to give her anything close to the type of birthday I would have liked.  I couldn't do a birthday lunch (other than That Scottish Restaurant) because... gee... no money.  Her gifts consisted of the same types of things she's gotten every year (with the exception of the plethora of kickin' footies) because... gee... no money.  And, of course, no energy.  Add in a dash or two of both of us having Other Issues.  Not so much with each other except where they come merely because they exist.  I'd go on, but there is this cat sitting at my side going, "Mom.  You had three days, technically four since you had a doctor's appointment on Monday, where you Did Things.  You Need To Rest and Recover Now.  Pet me.  Don't try to tell me that you haven't needed all that extra napping I've been making you do.  Pet me.  That's right.  Put down the computer and back away.  But not before you hand me some more treats.  Oh, and pet me."

(If I had the money, I'd buy one of my own t-shirts!)