Today...

So someone calls up to talk to me about my son riding on the short bus (his idea, not mine).  I was able to be all bright and nice on the phone.  All this while my mood is actually about a 3-4 on the if 1 is suicidally depressed & 10 is the happiest you've ever felt scale.  I started the day fine but started heading down for no reason I could discern.  Then I ran across pictures of my 50th birthday party.  The one I would NOT have wanted if I'd realized my husband was only doing it because he HAD to.  Which he followed up by leaving me two weeks to the day after.   I understand why he did it now.  But his timing sucked big green donkey... genitalia.

I Should Post More Here..

I really should post more here.  It's been a really bad year.  My pain levels have rocketed to the worst they've ever been, my other health problems have bit like a demon dog, my depression has been a suicidal level, my daughter had to be hospitalized over the summer (which should let you know what I was dealing with with her) and, unknown to me, my marriage was falling apart.  I just wish I'd known about the latter.  The thing is that I kept asking him if something was wrong and he wouldn't answer because he fricking didn't want to hurt me.  And so he ended up hurting me more than anyone else by leaving me with no warning at all.  And now he's deep in another relationship so there is no way to repair our marital relationship.  All I can do is be friends with them both.  I can do that.

Here I am, fifty years old.  Disabled.  Bipolar depressive (and right now heading down).  With two special needs kids (one 18 and out of the house, I'd have done that sooner if I'd been smarter, and a 16 year old).  I have people going "Oh you'll find someone else".  I didn't ever plan on this last relationship.  I certainly didn't plan to ever get married again.  This is the third marriage I've fucked up.  And people wonder why I don't think I can do this again.

If I had one of my bipolar shirts I think I'd wear it tonight.

Potassium

3.1 Not good.  The question is, was it really just that med I was taking?  And how the flip do I tell if it's back to normal?  I mean, that chest pain is still there.  And where is all that flipping bruising coming from?  As much as I really really really don't want to be stuck in a hospital, I'd dearly love to be in one where they would just play with my blood & stuff until they figure out what the frip is wrong with me.  I am so sick & tired of being sick & tired.  It bites.  Big time.

On top of that I have hot & cold running mid-life crisis old man.  Three months after walking out the door he's living with her.  Now admittedly he's had a stroke.  I did say that I was glad he had somewhere he would be monitored 24/7 but I didn't mean fricking move in with her on a permanent basis.  And I don't care if he doesn't like it, he's not getting out of going to therapy.  It has nothing to do with getting back together.  It has to do with a) helping me b) him learning how to fricking communicate since THAT is why he fricking left in the first place c) helping me d) helping my children.

But I'm tried of hot & cold running man.  I guess that's really reason c.  He's conflicted & he feels guilty.  he should feel guilty.  He left a suicidally depressed woman abruptly with no good support base.  He never EVER did anything to try to FIX the situation at ANY time even though I asked.  I tried asking for help but he never got it.  He never heard it.  I know that I did things wrong.  I hold 50% of the blame.  But otoh I DID ask what was wrong.  I DID ask for him to go with me to therapy and was brutally rebuffed.

NOT FAIR.

So, how long has my potassium been low?  I need to look at my medical papers.  Which is difficult since a certain young lady sucks at cleaning her room, rather like my mother & late brother & aunts at the same age.  David & I were both neatniks.  What other vitamin/mineral deficiencies could I have?  And if I do, and they've made a problem you know what the first thing I'll hear out of him??  "Well I TOLD you you weren't eating right."  I need a tissue.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I went & got my mammogram... and of course, my appointment was after Dale walked out on me.  Wheee!  Still nothing thank goodness, which was a relief.  I said something to him about the fact that I was extremely likely to have to deal with it and he was all like WTF?? He's lucky I didn't smack him into the next century.  I pointed out that my great-grandmother died from it, my grandmother had a radical mastectomy (lived ~25 years after) & my mother had a lumpectomy.  He said, "I didn't know that."  WTF?!?!  I only said that about a gazillion times!!!  When a sister-in-law had breast cancer and decided to have a mastectomy on both sided even though only one side was involved, she did it because of genetic markers.  She tested because of a family history.  MF!!  I mentioned it THEN!!  SEVERAL times!!  I mentioned it BEFORE that... MORE THAN ONCE!!

Can I kill him now?  ::sigh::  No.  I still love him & I still hope he'll come to his senses.  ::sigh::

"Don't forget that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month!!

But we keep up our Breast Cancer area in our shop all year around.

Mom has a history of post-menopausal breast cancer in her family."

Thanks Dear!!

Monday my ... I don't know what to call him anymore... told me that he still really didn't have the words to tell but  all of his friends had been able to tell that he'd been unhappy and he hasn't loved for two to three months so we were separating.  WTF???  So now, on TOP of all the frelling pain & depression I've been having for months I get to have more.  I am hereby changing my name to Dancing with Knives.  It's just a damn good thing for the sanity of my family that I promised my bff Lucy that I'd never kill myself because she doesn't have a damn thing to wear to my funeral (plus now she lives in Texas so there's that whole airfare issue & my dad already having lost a son would be horrible wounded even though technically I'll just a stepdaughter & I have kids yada yada yada).  This sucks.  Especially since I have enough opioids.

Not Happy,
Me

Where's My Houseboy/Masseuse/Driver/Etcetera??

Seriously, I need that... and a ramp on the front porch... maybe even a bigger porch.  And while we're at it, why don't we have a thingamabob on the back of my van so I can actually use the electric scooter I have?  So long as we're dreaming... bigger master closet, bathroom (I want a tub I can actually fit my entire body into), a linen closet, a front bathroom that actually has green board instead of whatever it is that is messed up from water (and has mold... ick!)... and... and... and... oh yeah, and the gutters too.  Trust me, if I could work, I would work!!  Geez Louise!!  In other news, one of my best friends just lost her mother and I need to scrape up enough spoons to make at least the visitation.  She'll understand if I don't, she has spoon problems herself, but damn, I am SO tired of not having enough spoons to do the things I need to do, much less the things I want to do.

Which explains the cat telling me to get my bu... fingers off of the laptop.  heh.

blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah

In other words, it's my daughter's 18th birthday.  She's stunning but I wasn't able to give her anything close to the type of birthday I would have liked.  I couldn't do a birthday lunch (other than That Scottish Restaurant) because... gee... no money.  Her gifts consisted of the same types of things she's gotten every year (with the exception of the plethora of kickin' footies) because... gee... no money.  And, of course, no energy.  Add in a dash or two of both of us having Other Issues.  Not so much with each other except where they come merely because they exist.  I'd go on, but there is this cat sitting at my side going, "Mom.  You had three days, technically four since you had a doctor's appointment on Monday, where you Did Things.  You Need To Rest and Recover Now.  Pet me.  Don't try to tell me that you haven't needed all that extra napping I've been making you do.  Pet me.  That's right.  Put down the computer and back away.  But not before you hand me some more treats.  Oh, and pet me."

(If I had the money, I'd buy one of my own t-shirts!)

How long will this last??

I've been sick... I'm going to have to go to a doc in the box.  I hate this.  I'm wearing a pain patch which is working well... except for the fact that it fripping itches.  I need a housekeeper and a driver and I can't afford either.  I seriously need to win the lottery because SSA seems like a dream that will never come.  gah.

Gloom, Despair & Agony on Me...

I've had to be out five days in a row.  Each time Out Of Town.  This is a Bad Thing.  My body tells me this as loudly as it possibly can.  Of course, my mom thinks you can't have 9-10 pain unless you're in childbirth (eg screaming yada yada).  ::rolls eyes::  Jen may be discharged on Saturday.  Gotta love insurance. /sarcasm    I need more pain meds.  I need to remember that hindsight is 20/20 and that I'm not responsible for Jennifer's diseases or emotions.  That's the hardest part.  I'm exhausted.  I hurt.  I'm not sure how much/long I can take.  I don't know what's going to happen or how things are going to turn out.  I love and cherish my daughter.  I want what is best for her.  But I also have to think about the health & welfare of myself, my husband and my son as well.  Tightrope anyone?

Need A Hug...

My pain level is five out of five cats today.  I couldn't wear my cpap Friday night because I was in so much pain & so stressed out.  I managed to do it last night when I finally got to sleep about 0200ish.  I woke up with my left leg all knotted up.  It still hurts.  My whole left side feels like... crapdoodles.  Sorry, no other way to really put that.  Jennifer went berserk on Thursday for three hours and finally did a good amount of cleaning even though she screamed for three hours at the top of her lungs that the netbook was hers and I had no right to take it away from her.

On Friday she got onto the main CPU in my office, which I no longer can use because of my pain levels so it only gets used by Corwyn & Jennifer.  I told her to get off & deal with 'the clothes'.  There were two baskets in the office that needed sorting to go to Plato's Closet (consignment shop that will straight out buy your clothes) and unbeknownst to me, a basket of clean clothes in her room.  She stomped off to get that basket, which surprised me and freaked her out when I mentioned it.  Then she shut the office door and proceeded to read fanfic while folding clothes.  Fifteen minutes later I checked on her and she had folded maybe as many as 15 items (some of which were underwear).  I told her that she should not be on the computer while folding clothes and that if she needed to do so she could fold clothes in my bedroom (where there is a tv but she would also be with me.  Then I said that I would put on the timer for 30 minutes and I expected her to have the clothes done in that time.  I actually gave her somewhere between 10-20 minutes more.  There were still about 4" of clothing left unfolded in the basket and I said that the computer would have to be turned off.

She screamed.  The upshot of it was that two hours later, she had bitten (or tried to bite) me, beaten on me, kicked me, pulled the door off of the cpu section of the desk (I hadn't realized before then that she'd pulled off most of the front of the desk and eaten it), screamed the whole time and then finally stomped off to her room.  I called her psychiatrist's on call.  I was called back and the word was, "Get her to the closest ER for evaluation, do not pass go, do not collect $200."  At the ER it was determined she needed inpatient and after 4 hours she was taken by ambulance up to Nashvagas.  (Well, technically it was Mad'son.  No, really... if you're ever seen them drive...).  We got back to Smurfreesboro about midnight?  0100??  It was late, I had a migraine & my pain levels were a 10.  With meds.  Purrs, prayers, candles, incense, good thoughts etcetera greatly appreciated.

If It's Not One Thing...

Then it's gotta be three others... I managed to make it through my daughter's graduation and dinner afterwards but by then she was done to a fare-thee-well and I was worse.  So I wasn't able to go to my son's Spring choral recital.  Fortunately my dad recorded it!   She graduated on the 21st.  I'm still recovering.  I still have the bruise on my left wrist/arm from where I went down the Ramp From Hell in my wheelchair.  I couldn't get my chair to slow down even trying to stop the wheels with my racing gloves on and regardless of what the idjet woman in the orange vest said to my son about how he should have helped me (yes, the one who didn't even hop up to help) he wouldn't have been able to stop me unless he'd been pushing me from the start and even then he'd have had a hard time!!  Like I said, Ramp From Hell.  All architects... wait, make that all architects AND building inspectors yada yada, should be required to spend a week... no wait, make that TWO WEEKS using crutches, then two weeks on a cane and then two weeks in a chair... all of them with various body parts in devices that don't allow them to have various levels of 'disability'.  And I hate to tell these people something but Gee Golly Whillikers!

Okay... falling asleep now!!  More latter!!

It's Been a Hard... Week!

I've been having fibro flares out the ying-yang.  In fact, it's probably more like two or three weeks.  Sitting at a 7-9 most days.  meh.  I've had two sick cats, being denied again by SSD and weather weather weather.  Next week doesn't look like it's going to be any better.  Four days of being "out and about".  Even using the wheelchair I'm going to be flat on my back.  And if I hear one more person say I could "work from home" I think I'll go ballistic.  I rarely have a week when there isn't one doctor visit or another.  The cpap machine at the titration study seemed to help while still being comfortable for me... at least I wasn't stopping breathing.  And evidently I've developed restless leg syndrome, because about the time that the klonipin would be wearing off my legs started twitching.  So, of course, the next morning my husband says, "I haven't seen your legs moving but you often move your hands when you're sleeping."  Maybe that explains why they hurt so much when I wake up.  My sleep is all funky right now which I hate.  This can stop anytime now.  No, really!!

Mom......Dead?

Mom has been dead all weekend! Sad poor mommy! And she even drove us to school on Monday even though she was feeling really bad! Isn't she sweet! Hey! Where'd the kitten go? She was here.......but now I bet she's with mom...cause mom is awesome.......now Knives just left....*pout*...of course considering someone is feeding them....My ankle hurts...it really needs to stop that...I mean seriously....almost constant for the past two days!
Peace Out!

Pdoc, Sleeping & Cats...

So today I went to see my pdoc.  Dr. Baron is cool.  He specializes in pain patients which kicks since in addition to my ever so lovely bipolar & PTSD I've got chronic myofasical pain (last pain-free day was Oct '87) & fibromyalgia lalala yada yada yada.  I got rid of the osteoarthritis in my knees when I got bionic knees in 2010 but now I've got the joy of arthritis in my other joints.  wheeeee!  The weather right now is rainy rainy righty wristy going crazy.  I'm totally right-sided, even though I'm slightly ambidextrous, and that's where I have tons of fun stuff going on.  I double dislocated my right ankle a few years ago and it hasn't been right (no pun intended) ever since.  I was in a cast for some time but the swelling hasn't ever gone down.  I'm constantly straining it.  And because I have to compensate for it... well, you get the picture.  Where was I?

Oh yeah.  Dr. Baron.  He asked how I was.  HA!  I just lost my first appeal for SSD.  SSD seems to think I'm perfectly capable of working.  Well, I went to Nashvegas to see Dr. Baron today.  I didn't have anyone who could take me.  This means I won't be able to leave my house for two days.  Right now my pain level is at an 8.  With the percocet.  I'm depressed, anxious, in pain, and living on the edge.  On Thursday night I get to have a titration study because the sleep study found that contrary to the last sleep study I had a couple of years ago, now I have sleep apnea.  Wheeeeee!  Hello, you stop breathing at least 7 times an hour while you sleep.  Oh?  Really?  Okay.  That sounds like fun.

So, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  Dr. Baron.  He's upping one of my meds & gave me something prn for anxiety.  This is good.  I spent the weekend nursing the 'baby' of the house Audrey.  She's 10 months old and had a fever of 105.8 which was 106 when the vet met us at his office on Saturday.  He said it was a good thing we'd taken her in because we'd probably have lost her if we'd waited until Monday.  I trust my gut.  So, even though my husband thinks "oh we can just do it ourselves and save the money" my gut says go with the lawyer for the second SSD appeal.  I'm not in any shape to do it.  But Audrey got better very quickly and by yesterday was back to playing with her hair bands and making me laugh.  Laughter is good.  It helps.

I had four cats hanging around with me this afternoon once I got home.  I haven't had fewer than two on the bed with me.  They know what kind of shape mom is in and they want to make me feel better.  Cats help me cope.  I'm just trying to figure out who's going to clean their litterboxes when the kids graduate college.  ::rueful grin::

Audrey & Star managed to talk Jennifer & Corwyn into fixing me dinner.

With Friends Like These... (also put up on LJ's dot_gimp_snark)

So I'm up on Facebook and one of my 'friends' posts this little gem...

why doesn't the government truly audit the social security disability recipients? why do we allow parents to get disability for kids with ADD, why do we pay people 1000.00 a month because they claim to have high anxiety and obesity and claim they cant work? people with stress, fibromyalgia and depression with the aid of medications can get up and work, why don't we force them to work, atleast part time there are many jobs working from home, but we just keep shelling out the money to ones who could possibly do some on their own.

Excuse me? I happen to have fibromyalgia, chronic myofascial pain (last pain-free day was in October 1987), bipolar depression, PTSD, sleep disorders, chronic migraines and a slew of other problems. If I run errands or go to a doctor's appointment I can't move out of my bed the next day. In fact, I spend most of my time in bed because of fatigue and pain. I take anti-depressants and even with four percocet and three heavy muscle relaxants a day my pain levels are 6+ EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've TRIED to work. I've LOOKED for things I can do. There IS NOT ANYTHING I CAN DO. And I was just turned down for the second time for SSD. I pray to God you NEVER have to endure the pain I do every day.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Which was my response to them.  It wasn't until later that I found out this post was a response to frelling Huckabee.  cuss cuss cuss cuss cuss cuss and some more cussing.  These people should be SO thankful I don't know where they live because right NOW??  I am about ready to hunt some people down and put them in the amount of pain I'm in right now.  And what is that??  9

Audrey & I are both sick... meh

I just got back from taking Audrey to the vet on an emergency visit.  She was running a temp of 106 when she got there (105.8 at home).  Her feline leukemia & aids test was negative.  She got shots for her fever & an antibiotic as well as meds for both to bring home.  I'll take her back on Monday.

When I got home I was feeling warm myself.  My temp was 99.6.  meh.  I hope it's just allergies.

Sleep Apnea & the House... meh

Dr. McGovern from Vanderbilt's Sleeping Disorder called me today.  My AHI is 8.5 so yep, I have mild Sleep Apnea.  wheeee!  The last sleep study I have a few years ago only showed I wasn't reaching Delta sleep.  So I now have an appointment for a titration study on May 5th.  It's so wonderful finding out that you stop breathing 7+ times an hour while you're sleeping.  But at least now I know why I don't feel rested when I wake up.  ::sigh::

Right now my ears hurt... again.  It's another thing that's been driving me nuts.  Along with my headaches being more and more and more... meh.  And I'm starting to agree with Dale that the house is being the House from Hell.  I mean, I've always had a wee bit of trouble with the fact that it's not all one level but I like the 24' above ground pool outside because it gives me a place to exercise in the late spring, summer & early fall.  I like the floors in the living room and the upper level bedroom because they're made from church pews.  But there are problems..

This is the worst of it.  The front bathroom.  There was no way to tell when we moved it.  No way I guess since he didn't say anything, for the inspector to catch it.  But the walls around the tub were done in regular drywall and NOT greenwall the way you're supposed to do with bathrooms.  The house needs painting.  The windows need sealing.  The gutters need replacing and we'd really like to replace the wood siding that's on the section that was added onto the brick.  It was the garage.  If we could afford to replace it with vinyl or something we wouldn't have to repaint it.  I don't even want to think about other things that might need to be done.  And in the realm of dreams would be redoing the master bed/bath.  Our closet is small and if I had a genie to give me whatever I wanted I'd change the bath into a walk-in closet, our current closet into a linen closet (we have none at the moment) and make a larger bathroom with a longer/deeper tub, a double sink & a higher toilet.  Then I'd enclose the patio area so the cats could roam 'outside' and maybe put a roof on in hopes I could heat the pool and use it in the winter.  While we're at it, maybe a hot tub!  ::grin::  Where's the lottery when you need it?  Not likely!  I just got turned down on my first appeal for SSD.  Which means I'll need to get a lawyer or I can hang it up.  And I can not work, no matter what they think I can do.  ::head:laptop::

Precious Needs a HOME! Please Boost the Signal!!

Precious lost her mom... her foster mom has her in her mother's bedroom but her mother is about to come home & will need her bedroom back.  The store of Precious is <a href="http://brianshome-me.blogspot.com/">here</a>!  Please take a minute to see if <b>you</b> might be just the person to provide Precious her Forever Home & if not, please please please boost the signal!!  Thank you!!

YAY! The Private Rescue Opens Second Cathouse!!

 This is Audrey neè Sparkes as a kitten.

 She was fostered at Chrystal's private rescue, run by Chrystal and her family.  We saw this picture on her blog called daily dose of dogs (aka cats with your coffee).  Her brother Ash found a home and Sparkles was heartbroken.  She spent months looking for a Forever Home but one one seemed to want her because she growled at the other cats.  Now I have introduced cats who weren't comfortable with other cats for decades.  And Sparkles looked just like the Founder of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitty Horde Christopher T Cat.  Just like StarWatcher and just like our current black cat StarWalker BitCat the ComputerKitty.  We were all in love with her and finally we decided we just had to have her in our family!!  So we asked if she could be a member of the Horde.  Chrystal was so excited and so were we!!  I wasn't worried about her fitting in, after all, as long as she got used to the Horde within a year it wouldn't be a problem.  Did I mention I've done this before??  ::grin::

 On the way home the kids and I thought her name was Nova.  Dale insisted her name was really Audrey.  Well, it turned out that Dale was right!  Her name officially became Lady Audrey Nova StarWatcher (that last in honor of StarWatcher who was the second black cat of the Horde when Star was adopted at the age of four weeks).  Her use name is Audrey but she is most definitely a Lady in every way.  It took her awhile to become friendly with her brothers although she still has an archnemesis in her brother Knives.  Her first friend was her twin brother of another mother StarWalker which surprised none of us!  This was followed by the 'twins' Zaphoid Beeblebrox and Sir Thomas of Snuggle.

Please joint with the Tims and Princess of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitty Horde

in promoting Neuter and Spay of cats & dogs... it is safer & healthier for your fur friends!!

Thank you!!

Tornadoes, No Power, Pain... But We Have Flowers!!!

Tornadoes bad... woke up at 0600 with the airport siren going off.  At 0630 the power went out & I, being the most wonderful wife in the world (okay, I confess, I was going out anyway to get cat litter & American Spirits) ventured out to get the heart of my heart and the soul of my soul some hot coffee.  I had to drive two miles before I got somewhere that had power!!  The kicker was when the second major intersection had the police cruiser parked at it (normal) but the officer was IN the cruiser (say what?!) rather than directing traffic like all of the other officers.  Gee, hope no one had a wreck, can we say note in your permanent record??  So, with the weather being weather in the Spring in Middle Tennessee my pain levels are going "Woman??  Hey!  Woman!!  Guess what?  Even with the four percocets & three muscle relaxers your pain levels will be over 8 today!!  Wheeee!"  But...

Last night my husband had class followed by band practice.  This happens every Tuesday night.  Well, class doesn't, he just started graduate school to try to get a degree so he can ::cross fingers:: teach a class or more at MTSU where he is the facilities director in the Recording Industries department.  Band practice... that's several nights a week... tres important, not just because bands need to practice but because people need time for themselves, especially when they're having to carry the burden of supporting the family and taking care of their spouse.  Of course, when I found out about my rejection from SSD I called him.  He was studying for a test for class so we couldn't talk long but he gave me verbal hugs (he's very good at that!!).  When he came home he was holding his hands behind his back and grinning at me with a twinkle in his eye.  I know that gleam.  It means he's picked up something to help make me feel better.  This is what he got last night...

(not the vase, I already had that ::grin::)

I adore my husband... I think I'll keep him!!  He helps as much as the cats!  ::twinkle::