Need A Hug...

My pain level is five out of five cats today.  I couldn't wear my cpap Friday night because I was in so much pain & so stressed out.  I managed to do it last night when I finally got to sleep about 0200ish.  I woke up with my left leg all knotted up.  It still hurts.  My whole left side feels like... crapdoodles.  Sorry, no other way to really put that.  Jennifer went berserk on Thursday for three hours and finally did a good amount of cleaning even though she screamed for three hours at the top of her lungs that the netbook was hers and I had no right to take it away from her.

On Friday she got onto the main CPU in my office, which I no longer can use because of my pain levels so it only gets used by Corwyn & Jennifer.  I told her to get off & deal with 'the clothes'.  There were two baskets in the office that needed sorting to go to Plato's Closet (consignment shop that will straight out buy your clothes) and unbeknownst to me, a basket of clean clothes in her room.  She stomped off to get that basket, which surprised me and freaked her out when I mentioned it.  Then she shut the office door and proceeded to read fanfic while folding clothes.  Fifteen minutes later I checked on her and she had folded maybe as many as 15 items (some of which were underwear).  I told her that she should not be on the computer while folding clothes and that if she needed to do so she could fold clothes in my bedroom (where there is a tv but she would also be with me.  Then I said that I would put on the timer for 30 minutes and I expected her to have the clothes done in that time.  I actually gave her somewhere between 10-20 minutes more.  There were still about 4" of clothing left unfolded in the basket and I said that the computer would have to be turned off.

She screamed.  The upshot of it was that two hours later, she had bitten (or tried to bite) me, beaten on me, kicked me, pulled the door off of the cpu section of the desk (I hadn't realized before then that she'd pulled off most of the front of the desk and eaten it), screamed the whole time and then finally stomped off to her room.  I called her psychiatrist's on call.  I was called back and the word was, "Get her to the closest ER for evaluation, do not pass go, do not collect $200."  At the ER it was determined she needed inpatient and after 4 hours she was taken by ambulance up to Nashvagas.  (Well, technically it was Mad'son.  No, really... if you're ever seen them drive...).  We got back to Smurfreesboro about midnight?  0100??  It was late, I had a migraine & my pain levels were a 10.  With meds.  Purrs, prayers, candles, incense, good thoughts etcetera greatly appreciated.

It's Been a Hard... Week!

I've been having fibro flares out the ying-yang.  In fact, it's probably more like two or three weeks.  Sitting at a 7-9 most days.  meh.  I've had two sick cats, being denied again by SSD and weather weather weather.  Next week doesn't look like it's going to be any better.  Four days of being "out and about".  Even using the wheelchair I'm going to be flat on my back.  And if I hear one more person say I could "work from home" I think I'll go ballistic.  I rarely have a week when there isn't one doctor visit or another.  The cpap machine at the titration study seemed to help while still being comfortable for me... at least I wasn't stopping breathing.  And evidently I've developed restless leg syndrome, because about the time that the klonipin would be wearing off my legs started twitching.  So, of course, the next morning my husband says, "I haven't seen your legs moving but you often move your hands when you're sleeping."  Maybe that explains why they hurt so much when I wake up.  My sleep is all funky right now which I hate.  This can stop anytime now.  No, really!!

With Friends Like These... (also put up on LJ's dot_gimp_snark)

So I'm up on Facebook and one of my 'friends' posts this little gem...

why doesn't the government truly audit the social security disability recipients? why do we allow parents to get disability for kids with ADD, why do we pay people 1000.00 a month because they claim to have high anxiety and obesity and claim they cant work? people with stress, fibromyalgia and depression with the aid of medications can get up and work, why don't we force them to work, atleast part time there are many jobs working from home, but we just keep shelling out the money to ones who could possibly do some on their own.

Excuse me? I happen to have fibromyalgia, chronic myofascial pain (last pain-free day was in October 1987), bipolar depression, PTSD, sleep disorders, chronic migraines and a slew of other problems. If I run errands or go to a doctor's appointment I can't move out of my bed the next day. In fact, I spend most of my time in bed because of fatigue and pain. I take anti-depressants and even with four percocet and three heavy muscle relaxants a day my pain levels are 6+ EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've TRIED to work. I've LOOKED for things I can do. There IS NOT ANYTHING I CAN DO. And I was just turned down for the second time for SSD. I pray to God you NEVER have to endure the pain I do every day.

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Which was my response to them.  It wasn't until later that I found out this post was a response to frelling Huckabee.  cuss cuss cuss cuss cuss cuss and some more cussing.  These people should be SO thankful I don't know where they live because right NOW??  I am about ready to hunt some people down and put them in the amount of pain I'm in right now.  And what is that??  9

Tornadoes, No Power, Pain... But We Have Flowers!!!

Tornadoes bad... woke up at 0600 with the airport siren going off.  At 0630 the power went out & I, being the most wonderful wife in the world (okay, I confess, I was going out anyway to get cat litter & American Spirits) ventured out to get the heart of my heart and the soul of my soul some hot coffee.  I had to drive two miles before I got somewhere that had power!!  The kicker was when the second major intersection had the police cruiser parked at it (normal) but the officer was IN the cruiser (say what?!) rather than directing traffic like all of the other officers.  Gee, hope no one had a wreck, can we say note in your permanent record??  So, with the weather being weather in the Spring in Middle Tennessee my pain levels are going "Woman??  Hey!  Woman!!  Guess what?  Even with the four percocets & three muscle relaxers your pain levels will be over 8 today!!  Wheeee!"  But...

Last night my husband had class followed by band practice.  This happens every Tuesday night.  Well, class doesn't, he just started graduate school to try to get a degree so he can ::cross fingers:: teach a class or more at MTSU where he is the facilities director in the Recording Industries department.  Band practice... that's several nights a week... tres important, not just because bands need to practice but because people need time for themselves, especially when they're having to carry the burden of supporting the family and taking care of their spouse.  Of course, when I found out about my rejection from SSD I called him.  He was studying for a test for class so we couldn't talk long but he gave me verbal hugs (he's very good at that!!).  When he came home he was holding his hands behind his back and grinning at me with a twinkle in his eye.  I know that gleam.  It means he's picked up something to help make me feel better.  This is what he got last night...

(not the vase, I already had that ::grin::)

I adore my husband... I think I'll keep him!!  He helps as much as the cats!  ::twinkle::

Time to Call a Lawyer...

Well, I can't say it was unexpected but it was sure as all get out disappointing.  I just got denied for my first appeal for SSD.  You only get two so that means it's time to get a lawyer.  meh.  I soooOOOooo didn't need this today.  I've got a sick cat, a daughter whose stomach was not doing well followed by an anxiety attack and the usual pain pain pain and... oh yeah, pain.  What fun.  NOT!  ::sigh::  I'm going to go hang out in the Cat Blogosphere chat after I take some Imitrex (there's some more fun... self-injectors... at least it doesn't hurt as much as the new 'needleless'  injectors ICK!).

Teenagers, My Head & the Lilac Bush

Corwyn's had two friends (15 yo twins with red hair whom my daughter refers to as Fred & George) over for the weekend.  The twins brought over their PS2 and Yu-Gi-Oh cards and so the boys have been playing with those as well as Corwyn's bow & arrows and his SCA combat gear.  In fact, they managed to track down some pvc, foam & duct tape so they could make two more swords since Corwyn's other swords & his helm had been loaned out for an event called Gulf Wars.  Of course, they didn't ask me before they did this so they ended up using red, purple & black duct tape resulting in rainbow swords.  When I said something about it, Corwyn looked at me with a Typical Teen Face and I explained that if they'd mentioned it I would have either a) tracked down silver duct tape or b) given them money to get more from the Kroger's down the street.  ::rolls motherly eyes::

In other news, my head still hates me with a pink & purple passion.  My feet also hate me.  Bad feet, no biscuit!!  Now I spend a lot of time in bed so I'm constantly doing leg exercises.  Stretching, pushing my knees into a pillow, pumping my feet, lifting my legs la la la yada yada yada.  Lately my [brain fart... part of the foot between the toes & the arch] have been hurting... well, hurting more than usual.  So, of course, I've been trying to move them more.  My massaging them is not an option.  If I do Things Like That my body very quickly yells at me to tell me that I'm doing too much.  I've found out that the reason my body stings from the inside out is because of my amount of activity.  meh.

This really really really bugs me because I used to do things.  Before my knees went out I walked at least a mile & a half twice a day.  I loved (no, really... stop laughing!!) cleaning the floor by getting down on my hands & knees and scrubbing it.  I could clean my house from top to bottom in under two hours and I had a blast totally revamping rooms by moving furniture around & stuff several times a year.  So.  Let me describe Thursday.

Thursday I had some extra cash.  I also had a closet that didn't have enough clothes that I can tolerate when I've done too much.  With the fibro, when I do too much I can't wear anything but silk & soft soft soft linen & only certain cottons & microfiber.  With the chronic pain, when I do too much... well, same thing.  Finding clothes that I can afford is like pulling teeth with a plumbers whatsit (see?  fibro fog!).  So I tend to shop at thrift stores.  Fortunately there is a really good one near me called All Things Possible.  Every month they have set sales on things.  The last Saturday of the month is 99¢ on all clothes under $10.00.  Thursday was the same sale on all women's clothing!  Whoot!  I actually spent over an hour... okay, maybe two... shopping.  I went through tons of stuff.  The only good thing about doing this is that by the time I start trying things on I'm dying and so if it feels okay at the store, it will feel okay no matter how bad a day I'm having!!

I ended up finding four dresses & a bunch of shirts.  I spent ~$40 and basically got a new spring/summer wardrobe for me & for my daughter.  Dresses are good things for days when my IBS & stuff because my stomach gets so sensitive that I can't stand anything pressing on it.  My daughter has the same problem & she wears jeans & skirts at her hips.  Trying to find nightclothes I can wear is darn near impossible because the loverly microfiber which is soooo comfy tends to have spaghetti straps.  GAH!!!!  Hate to tell you designers but WE DON'T LIKE THOSE!!!  Give us WIDE straps!!  Once my SSD comes through I'm going to go hit up JC Penny's where they actually have pretty bras in my size (40DD) and underwear I can tolerate.  And that's another thing!!  What is it about putting itchy elastic on underwear??  Or nightclothes??  Hey guys!!  Again, hate to tell you but there are a TON of us who want covered elastic!!  And if you're going to put any lace on... make it soft.  Seriously, I'm going to hunt you all down and make YOU wear this crap.  For a week!!  Then we'll see what you think about it!!  There's one thing about wearing something all fru-fru and cute when you're going out on a date (even if it's just dinner at home with your spouse/so) but we're not doing that every frelling day!!  Moi??  Hot button much??  Naaaaaah.

But enough of that.  My lilac bush is blooming which is nice.  I wish I had more of them.  I got some sprigs from my mil which I wanted to plant last year but nooOOOooo, I didn't feel well, and of course no one else in the house had the time nor inclination to help me out by digging the frelling holes so I could put them in.  ::sigh::  I so want a row of them on the other side of the fence from my swimming pool.  (That was a seriously cool thing when the heart of my heart & the soul of my soul bought this house... one of the reasons he chose it was because it had a 24' above ground pool so I'd have a place to walk & hang out in good weather.  I adore my husband!!)  So, without further ado... my lilac bush... it's just a baby now (only two years old) but I have high hopes for it!

Sleep is driving me nuts...

This last week I've been falling asleep at the most bizarre times again.  And there are times when no one can wake me up.  Grrrrrrrr.  I have no idea if it's connected to pain.  My muscles are locked up like crazy and it keeps feeling like someone is driving icepicks into various parts of my head... mainly my ears & my forehead.  Gah!!  I'd scream, but it would hurt too much.  Audrey tries her best to make me feel better in the morning, purr trilling & stropping against me as well as playing the Hair Band Game.

 "See the cute?!  I look sooooo innocent when I'm sleeping!"

 "I am stunning birds with the tag mom made for me... muahahahahahaha!"

 "I've been learning how to make mom use this harness thing right."

Must... Not... Fall... Asleep... ... ... YET

You can't nap on the day of a sleep study.  You can not nap on the day of a sleep study.  You can not nap on the day of a sleep study.  If I just keep telling myself this maybe, just maybe I can keep from falling asleep.  Riiiiiight.  In other news, Jen stayed home with yet another Major Panic Attack, which I wonder if it may be connected to her cycle.  I noticed a pill pack on the kitchen floor & picked it up.  Errrrrm??  Full.  Ask the girlchild, "Uh.  Shouldn't you have started these already?"  "I thought I already had!!"  "Ummm, no.  Apparently not."  ::sigh::

[teens stop reading here... no, really]
Boychick managed to get a ride home from a fellow choir member who knows his sister.  (Okay, everyone can now expire in shock.)  I'm going to stop typing, which is sure to make my wrists/arms happy... or at least one can hope!!  Then I'll shut the laptop down, take a soaky bath and head up to Nashvegas.  Jen is hanging out at her dad's house this weekend.  He'll be busy but I have the feeling that she's planning on grabbing her step-mom & going out for shopping therapy anyway.  ::grin::  Which is fine by me, I can't afford it, Jen wants sandals with heels and I know that her step-mom has good taste in shoes.  Now if Jen would just stop having a frelling panic attack in the corner because she doesn't want to put her contacts in.  I'm not sure how to deal with it and it's driving me nuts right now because I can't.

It makes me feel worse which makes her feel worse which makes me.... gaaaaaaaaah!!  Whew.  Now she's calming down.  It's extremely frustrating.  Especially when she tells me that I'm mad when I'm not.  Sorry, but telling me I'm mad when I'm not mad is more likely to make me feel mad!  arrrrrrgh!!  It's like a double standard.  And the really weird thing is that I don't tell her how she feels.  ::sigh::  Okay, getting off of computer now.

Bipolar Countdown C