Friday, January 20, 2012


So someone calls up to talk to me about my son riding on the short bus (his idea, not mine).  I was able to be all bright and nice on the phone.  All this while my mood is actually about a 3-4 on the if 1 is suicidally depressed & 10 is the happiest you've ever felt scale.  I started the day fine but started heading down for no reason I could discern.  Then I ran across pictures of my 50th birthday party.  The one I would NOT have wanted if I'd realized my husband was only doing it because he HAD to.  Which he followed up by leaving me two weeks to the day after.   I understand why he did it now.  But his timing sucked big green donkey... genitalia.

I Should Post More Here..

I really should post more here.  It's been a really bad year.  My pain levels have rocketed to the worst they've ever been, my other health problems have bit like a demon dog, my depression has been a suicidal level, my daughter had to be hospitalized over the summer (which should let you know what I was dealing with with her) and, unknown to me, my marriage was falling apart.  I just wish I'd known about the latter.  The thing is that I kept asking him if something was wrong and he wouldn't answer because he fricking didn't want to hurt me.  And so he ended up hurting me more than anyone else by leaving me with no warning at all.  And now he's deep in another relationship so there is no way to repair our marital relationship.  All I can do is be friends with them both.  I can do that.

Here I am, fifty years old.  Disabled.  Bipolar depressive (and right now heading down).  With two special needs kids (one 18 and out of the house, I'd have done that sooner if I'd been smarter, and a 16 year old).  I have people going "Oh you'll find someone else".  I didn't ever plan on this last relationship.  I certainly didn't plan to ever get married again.  This is the third marriage I've fucked up.  And people wonder why I don't think I can do this again.

If I had one of my bipolar shirts I think I'd wear it tonight.