Gloom, Despair & Agony on Me...

I've had to be out five days in a row.  Each time Out Of Town.  This is a Bad Thing.  My body tells me this as loudly as it possibly can.  Of course, my mom thinks you can't have 9-10 pain unless you're in childbirth (eg screaming yada yada).  ::rolls eyes::  Jen may be discharged on Saturday.  Gotta love insurance. /sarcasm    I need more pain meds.  I need to remember that hindsight is 20/20 and that I'm not responsible for Jennifer's diseases or emotions.  That's the hardest part.  I'm exhausted.  I hurt.  I'm not sure how much/long I can take.  I don't know what's going to happen or how things are going to turn out.  I love and cherish my daughter.  I want what is best for her.  But I also have to think about the health & welfare of myself, my husband and my son as well.  Tightrope anyone?

Need A Hug...

My pain level is five out of five cats today.  I couldn't wear my cpap Friday night because I was in so much pain & so stressed out.  I managed to do it last night when I finally got to sleep about 0200ish.  I woke up with my left leg all knotted up.  It still hurts.  My whole left side feels like... crapdoodles.  Sorry, no other way to really put that.  Jennifer went berserk on Thursday for three hours and finally did a good amount of cleaning even though she screamed for three hours at the top of her lungs that the netbook was hers and I had no right to take it away from her.

On Friday she got onto the main CPU in my office, which I no longer can use because of my pain levels so it only gets used by Corwyn & Jennifer.  I told her to get off & deal with 'the clothes'.  There were two baskets in the office that needed sorting to go to Plato's Closet (consignment shop that will straight out buy your clothes) and unbeknownst to me, a basket of clean clothes in her room.  She stomped off to get that basket, which surprised me and freaked her out when I mentioned it.  Then she shut the office door and proceeded to read fanfic while folding clothes.  Fifteen minutes later I checked on her and she had folded maybe as many as 15 items (some of which were underwear).  I told her that she should not be on the computer while folding clothes and that if she needed to do so she could fold clothes in my bedroom (where there is a tv but she would also be with me.  Then I said that I would put on the timer for 30 minutes and I expected her to have the clothes done in that time.  I actually gave her somewhere between 10-20 minutes more.  There were still about 4" of clothing left unfolded in the basket and I said that the computer would have to be turned off.

She screamed.  The upshot of it was that two hours later, she had bitten (or tried to bite) me, beaten on me, kicked me, pulled the door off of the cpu section of the desk (I hadn't realized before then that she'd pulled off most of the front of the desk and eaten it), screamed the whole time and then finally stomped off to her room.  I called her psychiatrist's on call.  I was called back and the word was, "Get her to the closest ER for evaluation, do not pass go, do not collect $200."  At the ER it was determined she needed inpatient and after 4 hours she was taken by ambulance up to Nashvagas.  (Well, technically it was Mad'son.  No, really... if you're ever seen them drive...).  We got back to Smurfreesboro about midnight?  0100??  It was late, I had a migraine & my pain levels were a 10.  With meds.  Purrs, prayers, candles, incense, good thoughts etcetera greatly appreciated.

If It's Not One Thing...

Then it's gotta be three others... I managed to make it through my daughter's graduation and dinner afterwards but by then she was done to a fare-thee-well and I was worse.  So I wasn't able to go to my son's Spring choral recital.  Fortunately my dad recorded it!   She graduated on the 21st.  I'm still recovering.  I still have the bruise on my left wrist/arm from where I went down the Ramp From Hell in my wheelchair.  I couldn't get my chair to slow down even trying to stop the wheels with my racing gloves on and regardless of what the idjet woman in the orange vest said to my son about how he should have helped me (yes, the one who didn't even hop up to help) he wouldn't have been able to stop me unless he'd been pushing me from the start and even then he'd have had a hard time!!  Like I said, Ramp From Hell.  All architects... wait, make that all architects AND building inspectors yada yada, should be required to spend a week... no wait, make that TWO WEEKS using crutches, then two weeks on a cane and then two weeks in a chair... all of them with various body parts in devices that don't allow them to have various levels of 'disability'.  And I hate to tell these people something but Gee Golly Whillikers!

Okay... falling asleep now!!  More latter!!

It's Been a Hard... Week!

I've been having fibro flares out the ying-yang.  In fact, it's probably more like two or three weeks.  Sitting at a 7-9 most days.  meh.  I've had two sick cats, being denied again by SSD and weather weather weather.  Next week doesn't look like it's going to be any better.  Four days of being "out and about".  Even using the wheelchair I'm going to be flat on my back.  And if I hear one more person say I could "work from home" I think I'll go ballistic.  I rarely have a week when there isn't one doctor visit or another.  The cpap machine at the titration study seemed to help while still being comfortable for me... at least I wasn't stopping breathing.  And evidently I've developed restless leg syndrome, because about the time that the klonipin would be wearing off my legs started twitching.  So, of course, the next morning my husband says, "I haven't seen your legs moving but you often move your hands when you're sleeping."  Maybe that explains why they hurt so much when I wake up.  My sleep is all funky right now which I hate.  This can stop anytime now.  No, really!!

Mom......Dead?

Mom has been dead all weekend! Sad poor mommy! And she even drove us to school on Monday even though she was feeling really bad! Isn't she sweet! Hey! Where'd the kitten go? She was here.......but now I bet she's with mom...cause mom is awesome.......now Knives just left....*pout*...of course considering someone is feeding them....My ankle hurts...it really needs to stop that...I mean seriously....almost constant for the past two days!
Peace Out!

Pdoc, Sleeping & Cats...

So today I went to see my pdoc.  Dr. Baron is cool.  He specializes in pain patients which kicks since in addition to my ever so lovely bipolar & PTSD I've got chronic myofasical pain (last pain-free day was Oct '87) & fibromyalgia lalala yada yada yada.  I got rid of the osteoarthritis in my knees when I got bionic knees in 2010 but now I've got the joy of arthritis in my other joints.  wheeeee!  The weather right now is rainy rainy righty wristy going crazy.  I'm totally right-sided, even though I'm slightly ambidextrous, and that's where I have tons of fun stuff going on.  I double dislocated my right ankle a few years ago and it hasn't been right (no pun intended) ever since.  I was in a cast for some time but the swelling hasn't ever gone down.  I'm constantly straining it.  And because I have to compensate for it... well, you get the picture.  Where was I?

Oh yeah.  Dr. Baron.  He asked how I was.  HA!  I just lost my first appeal for SSD.  SSD seems to think I'm perfectly capable of working.  Well, I went to Nashvegas to see Dr. Baron today.  I didn't have anyone who could take me.  This means I won't be able to leave my house for two days.  Right now my pain level is at an 8.  With the percocet.  I'm depressed, anxious, in pain, and living on the edge.  On Thursday night I get to have a titration study because the sleep study found that contrary to the last sleep study I had a couple of years ago, now I have sleep apnea.  Wheeeeee!  Hello, you stop breathing at least 7 times an hour while you sleep.  Oh?  Really?  Okay.  That sounds like fun.

So, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  Dr. Baron.  He's upping one of my meds & gave me something prn for anxiety.  This is good.  I spent the weekend nursing the 'baby' of the house Audrey.  She's 10 months old and had a fever of 105.8 which was 106 when the vet met us at his office on Saturday.  He said it was a good thing we'd taken her in because we'd probably have lost her if we'd waited until Monday.  I trust my gut.  So, even though my husband thinks "oh we can just do it ourselves and save the money" my gut says go with the lawyer for the second SSD appeal.  I'm not in any shape to do it.  But Audrey got better very quickly and by yesterday was back to playing with her hair bands and making me laugh.  Laughter is good.  It helps.

I had four cats hanging around with me this afternoon once I got home.  I haven't had fewer than two on the bed with me.  They know what kind of shape mom is in and they want to make me feel better.  Cats help me cope.  I'm just trying to figure out who's going to clean their litterboxes when the kids graduate college.  ::rueful grin::

Audrey & Star managed to talk Jennifer & Corwyn into fixing me dinner.

With Friends Like These... (also put up on LJ's dot_gimp_snark)

So I'm up on Facebook and one of my 'friends' posts this little gem...

why doesn't the government truly audit the social security disability recipients? why do we allow parents to get disability for kids with ADD, why do we pay people 1000.00 a month because they claim to have high anxiety and obesity and claim they cant work? people with stress, fibromyalgia and depression with the aid of medications can get up and work, why don't we force them to work, atleast part time there are many jobs working from home, but we just keep shelling out the money to ones who could possibly do some on their own.

Excuse me? I happen to have fibromyalgia, chronic myofascial pain (last pain-free day was in October 1987), bipolar depression, PTSD, sleep disorders, chronic migraines and a slew of other problems. If I run errands or go to a doctor's appointment I can't move out of my bed the next day. In fact, I spend most of my time in bed because of fatigue and pain. I take anti-depressants and even with four percocet and three heavy muscle relaxants a day my pain levels are 6+ EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've TRIED to work. I've LOOKED for things I can do. There IS NOT ANYTHING I CAN DO. And I was just turned down for the second time for SSD. I pray to God you NEVER have to endure the pain I do every day.

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Which was my response to them.  It wasn't until later that I found out this post was a response to frelling Huckabee.  cuss cuss cuss cuss cuss cuss and some more cussing.  These people should be SO thankful I don't know where they live because right NOW??  I am about ready to hunt some people down and put them in the amount of pain I'm in right now.  And what is that??  9